Merry Christmas, fatties :)

Why is it so hard to just leave that crispy, juicy, melt-in-the-mouth turkey alone? Ah, man and all those trimmings, and the gravy, and look at those perfectly plump potatoes, plucked straight from the fat tree.

Why is it, that everytime you convince yourself you're looking fine, shakin' what yo mamma gave ya, cousin Skinny Bitch, after eating those three hellish bites of turkey across the Christmas table goes:

     "I can't eat anymore or I'll explode... Guess SOMEONE'S going to get that Christmas belly"

We all know her. We all want to kill her.
If you don't know her.. Well.. I got some news for you.

Personally, I make sure to lose those 2 or 3 pounds just in time for Christmas - so there's always enough room for dessert, baby.
But if I have a big slab of meat drowned in gravy and wrapped in bacon, stuffed with some more bacon, surrounded by potatoes and decorated with some more gravy, all put in front of me (by Grandma, dearest).. I will inhale it.
I have been starving myself out of those last 2 pounds - I will inhale that shit up and ask for seconds.

There are three main points of Christmas and Thanksgiving.

• You drink
• You eat.
• A lot

 There's also the silent rule, that states one must use and abuse all of the above.


Ps. I hate bacon.

Coffee - Diet Deadly

I always try to be on some kind of diet.
And I only last about 3 days. Why?

I get hungry.

Although, I do still try my best to count calories - not considering the fact that people tend to under report their calorie consumption up to 60%.

Hell naw, you say?
Most of these invisible calories come from liquids. Soups. Juices. Coffee.
Yeah, your favourite coffee bevvy really does require some burning off. Believe it ladies.
For example, my favourite coffee - a latte. This dull beverage contains close to 200 calories - being a Tall, usually served with whole milk. A Tall Americano consists of a little more than 10 calories.
Pretty interesting difference dairy can do.


This is because most of us don't really think about the fact that there is fat in a cup of heavenly orgasm. Shocker.
So if you're like me and get hungry from constantly being on imaginary diets, there is one you can always be on without making much effort. Always ask for skimmed milk in your coffee. Or go for the skinny versions of Starbucks. A tall latte with skimmed milk is only 100 calories.
If the 3 digit mark scares you, just get an Americano you fatty.

Coffee as a Class A Drug

No matter how much love and hope you may have for mankind, there will always be those certain individuals, like incorrigible grass stains in our clearly perfect utopia, who attain their essential daily fuel from methamphetamine, mescaline, cocaine or even something as horrible as... a cup of joe - all this to at least semi-functionally start (and continue) the day.
Yes. That black cup of liquid orgasmic heaven is my crack - as well as that of about 1/3 of the world's population. We are those damn grass stains.
Think about it. We could virtually rule the world.

Coffee - noun \ˈkȯ-fē, ˈkä-\  a beverage made by percolation, infusion, or decoction from the roasted and ground seeds of a coffee plant
                Merriam - Webster Dictionary

 So, how can this little cup of coffee do so much harm to a healthy, functional human being? Well probably because that healthy, functional human being has about 4 of those per day. On average. 

I'm sure most people have read an article here and there about them damning effects of coffee - sucks out calcium from your bones, makes your teeth color up like dog piss or gives you that good ol' kick in the ass once you have been categorized as a coffee addict. Yep. There is such a thing.

Coffee, addictive? Who would have thought. Seattle Times (2004) definitely did. Along with so many other scientific institutions, it would blow your mind. Another mind fuck, on the other hand (gasp) is that studies looking at beneficial effects of coffee are now equal to studies researching the opposite.

True, over indulging that sexy body with coffee will not do you any good - but that's with virtually anything anyway. Even exercise. That is right ladies and gentlemen. Even exercise. 

Same thing with addiction. Anything can turn into addiction. In the case of coffee for example, it would most likely be the caffeine, but the taste plays a huge part as well.

I do in fact drool over the thought of coffee. It never really noticeably wakes me up... But it's the taste I'm rooting for. 

Anyway.. benefits. Even though the following assets are correlates, so are the detrimental effects of coffee indulgence. Women drinking around 7 cups a day of coffee when pregnant, decrease their chances of miscarriages. Woot. There never really was any rock hard scientific evidence that coffee could damage an embryo. Parkinson's and Alzheimer's development are also decreased by drowning yourself in coffee. 

Another fun fact... Coffee acts as a natural laxative. That stuff goes right through you..

In the end, coffee will always be my crack. When I first started drinking it at about 13, I remember my dad said to me - "So what, you're poisoning yourself with that shit just because all the cool kids drink it?".. Yes was my answer actually. I wanted to be cool, holding that Starbucks cup, walkin around like I was the shit. 

Coffee made me a cool kid. 

And then it became my crack. 

Huh. Ironic isn't it.

*This post is dedicated to my favourite dollface - http://misskasia.blogspot.com*

EDIT.

I do plan on eventually publishing a little coffee calorie chart. Quick 'n' easy. 

EDIT.

Eventually..

“The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?” -Bill Hicks

As a smoker, I will have to disagree with this analogy. It's pretty fucking ridiculous. Smokers choose to smoke, for whatever good (ironically...) reason, cripples don't necessarily choose to be crippled. If you think it's cruel for someone to cough beside you while you're smoking, it implies you know your lungs are filled with tar and your bronci are as functional as rusty pipes from the 30s, and here you have someone mocking you for it. Honestly, most smokers just don't care. So shut it, it's not cruel.
If anything at all, it's rude and just plain stupid of non-smokers. There are designated smoking areas, where it is permitted to intoxicate your lungs with deadly fumes, where sensitive non-smokers should not appear if they're going to be whining and complaining about the dangers of second hand smoke.

The US Government declared 2nd hand smoking not lethal in 1998.

If you're an annoying smoker-mocker, just follow these few rules which will help you not get punched by a Marlboro fan group,

1. Don't hang around smoking areas. I mean, really? If tar-filled fumes make you become an irritating little bastard, just stay in your own space.

2. Do not ask the smoker to move away with their cigarette because you're overly sensitive, if they were there first. That's just plain rude. There's plenty of other smoke-free space around.

3. Shut your gob. Seriously, if you do not enjoy getting your face planted in a cloud of nicotarbac fumes, it's easy enough to avoid these places.

The majority of smokers will feel guilty smoking around healthy lungs. They will move away to their place, like dogs, to avoid getting dirty looks from non-smokers.
Unless they're Neg, the Urban Sports god.
But that's different.